Why Your Boundaries Aren't Working (and it's not for lack of trying)

Have you ever set a boundary, only to find it’s not respected, leaving you frustrated and hurt? The truth is, most of us think we're setting boundaries when in reality, we're making requests. We're asking others to change their behavior to make us feel better. But here’s the key: a boundary isn’t about controlling what others do—it’s about what you will do when a situation arises.

Take a look at the Circle of Control chart. Notice that what we can control is limited to our own actions, choices, and responses. When you set a boundary, it should be rooted in your behavior, not someone else’s. For example, instead of saying, "You need to stop speaking to me that way," a true boundary would be, "If you continue to speak to me in that tone, I will leave the conversation."

See the difference? One is a request for the other person to change; the other is a boundary, clearly stating what you will do. It takes the power back, putting the focus on what is within your control.

Most people unknowingly set boundaries around things they can’t control—like other people's actions or feelings. But the only thing we truly have control over is ourselves. A boundary doesn’t require the other person to change. Sure, they may adjust their behavior, but whether they do or don’t, it won’t impact your boundary. You’ll know exactly what you’ll do to protect yourself and your well-being, regardless of their actions.

If your boundaries aren’t working, it might be time to reevaluate them. Focus on what you can control—your actions and your responses. This shift will help you set clearer, stronger boundaries that are truly in your control.

To better understand where your boundaries lie, think about what you’re trying to change. Is it something within your control? If not, it’s time to set a new boundary that empowers you instead of waiting for someone else to change.

Ready to start setting boundaries that work? Focus on your actions and watch how your sense of control and confidence shifts.